I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I am available for nakedness
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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