Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
