I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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