I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
