Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
