I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
