im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
