I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
