i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
