when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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