I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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