In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I was not drunk enough for that final.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
