News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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