So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
