Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
And the cops told us we were all naked.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
