New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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