I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
