I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
