You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
