You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
