Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
