I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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