When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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