my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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