There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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