Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
