I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
