Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize