somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
