it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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