I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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