it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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