I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
