Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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