She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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