Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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