just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
