I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
