you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
