I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
