At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
