dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
