I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
