I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
