Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
