And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
