I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
