pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
