I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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