Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
