Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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