You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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