My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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