i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
