I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
