I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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