Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
