If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We are two peas in an std pod
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
