my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
