I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
