Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There's always time for handjobs
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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